Anti-Deus Ex Machina.

So, yeah... life has been full of ups and downs lately. I'm worrying about everything imaginable and I feel like I'm about to break. Actually, it seems like everyone here believes i have been studying chinese language for years or so; sometimes my own chinese friends forget that am one year old in china and speak with me like the locals.. I have been going out to make more friends and try to socialize with them but I find it oddly amusing, yet confusing, how somebody says, “TING BU DONG ” but it seems that they never speak it from the heart. how can you say ting bu dong when i didn't say anything you could understand, It’s only those who are lost themselves that can say, “You just don’t get it. You don’t know how I’m feeling.”I say that because most of the time, I can’t even describe how I’m feeling. when i ask something, and somebody typically asks shen me , I can’t snap to an answer. I can’t even think of an answer, except “I don’t really know.” i makes me angry and feel disappointed especially at times when you feel you made progress Is it so wrong to hope so much, that maybe, just maybe something will come out of nowhere and save the day? sometimes I try to do something that might actually make my life better, something always come out of nowhere to make it worse. It's like an Anti-Deus Ex Machina . All I've ever wanted was to feel happiness, even for a brief second. I just want to feel happy; contentment; have that sigh of relief. The feeling that "everything is okay now, relax." But I've yet to have it.

There are people in this world who cannot accept the fact that they are doing more harm than good. I just want to be happy, is that so much to ask for? Yes, yes it is.Sometimes it amazes me how much comfort I can get out of someones voice. I'll just be sitting here thinking and something they say catches my attention and I feel this wave of relief and happiness. It feels awesome; especially when it's totally unplanned. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of having to eat mi fan, sleeping late, and breath. It's all just a huge waste of time. Sure, some food tastes wonderful and my bed is always warm, but in the end those things are only enjoyable for a minute. Everything seems pointless.